I Can’t Give What They Ask of Me (and That’s OK)

The infamous three hit me (though not just me) this week.  Three hearty servings of misfortune.  Though as a wanna-be Daoist, I try to avoid words weighed down with moral judgment (words like ‘misfortune’).  It all needed to happen, as a stream needs to sway this way and that, tumbling over stones and roots in the exact way it sees fit.  Going against this flow is unnatural and causes unnatural problems.  Stop with the Chinese philosophy mumbo-jumbo, you say?  What the hell happened, you say?  Well, let me kind of tell you.

Skadi’s talented bassist, Lindsey, left the band.  Though I know you’d love to hear the dirt, all I will say is see the title: Sometimes people can’t give what you need, and that’s OK.  They are giving to other parts of their lives at the moment, and everything has a balance that can only be bent so far.  Sometimes one human can’t understand the personality or point-of-view of another human.  Sometimes you put a lot of time and effort into a project, and almost everything clicks, which makes it all the sadder when it ultimately falls to pieces. Or a very important piece falls away.  Pieces fall away in nature all the time; a chrysalis from an emerging butterfly, a corn husk from a corn cob, a skin from a lizard…this group of metaphors is not as poetic as I’d hoped for.  The point is, things have to change, move on, run their natural course, flow their flow, jam their jam.  Oh God, let’s move on.

Un-morally-judged but definitely shitty development number two:  I was dumped.  Oh, and I was in love, man!  Though he doesn’t believe it, cause “I don’t show it.”  Still trying to figure that one out, as I was maxed-out already with how much time I was devoting to the relationship.  Again, see title.  I suppose some people need a lot more closeness (smothering) and others need more alone time (cold/uncaring) and sometimes those people really like each other, and it’s sad, but maybe reconcilable, but maybe not.  And sometimes one party thinks everything is going swimmingly, and then one day gets smacked in the head with the reality of the other’s hidden suffering.  Or let’s go with “gets the rug pulled out from under them.”  Cause in that case, I’m looking down and finally seeing all the shit I’ve been shoving under there for the sake of an idealized romance which frankly had me in la la land for months at a time.  And by shit I mean personally important goals and priorities.  And so my conclusion to day number two of being dumped is that I really miss this person, though maybe this person was onto something in seeing the need to break up.  Also, maybe this person has some issues that I don’t understand but now I’m free from being entangled in.  And also, now I will have more time to write songs and look at clouds.  Whenever I feel like it, I might add.

Ok, misfortune number three is not quite as bad, though could be bad, but definitely fits with the falling-away-rug-pulled-out-abandonment theme. My lovely, competent boss at the Immigrant Resources Center will be leaving for another job, which is a totally normal thing to have happen, but still causes me anxiety.  I mean, major band drama, plus relationship-status shift, plus new, unknown supervisor…I almost have to laugh.  Just surfing the waves, you know?  Sometimes they’re big, and if you ride them with a light attitude, it’s thrilling…a wake-up-and-live moment (Wake Up and Live is a Denver band, I realized today, with a very cool name).

Anyway, I see a theme through these three events, and have tried to communicate that connection in a strange way to you.  And I’m sure I’ll have more “ah-ha” moments in the future, when it all unravels in a way that makes sense (or my brain will force those connections, whether real or not, because that’s how our brains evolved to function) and things will be at ease.  Or they won’t, and I’ll be riding that wave for a while yet.  And things change, and will continue to change.  But still, my eyes, mind and heart are set on love and music…which I refuse to give up on.

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